Retribution

Walking down the paths of life, one is never alone. The path is trodden with foot prints and marks foreign to one's self. These marks belong to those that share your path. And indeed some will find a path of their own to partake on, and others will join. And whilst you may leave this path, others will tread the path that you once walked. Never, will others fill the prints that you left on the path or in my heart. The space that is left beside me - should it happen - will never and cannot ever be replaced nor filled by another. It is a space that without you, will be left void - for you were the only one that truly filled it. Others will try and whilst can momentarily fill the space, it is a matter of moments before they fall short of you. Despite all this, it is not a concern. Above all else, you never left. The fog in my mind that blunted my senses caused me to lose you - not in life, but in my mind. Yet with clarity a hand once more, the fog has risen, and your there like you were before.

It scares me. Yet it comforts me. To know that someone understands me so well. That someone took the time out to understand me so well. All the barriers I have set up and all the logic in my head, tells me that through the short period of time no one can understand someone else so well. Contrary to the baggage I carry and the my burdened heart - I dare to believe. To believe in you and to believe in what we share.

Everytime, I so much as think of you, guilt riddles my body and mind. You understand me, comprehend me far beyond even myself can come to understand myself. And yet in all this time, I preach the connection we have, I hold it dear to my heart, yet I have only begun to understand the person I came to see as a brother. Shrouded in little more than my own fog and mist, I admit I failed to understand you to the degree you have me. But none the less, I do believe I understand you, however little it is, its an understanding none the less. I have never failed to notice you. At times it may seem like it, but never were the thoughts of you gone from my mind. I have said it to you before and I say it again - no matter how many complications there could have been, is irregardless, as I have learned to appreciate the bad as much as the good.

They say that literature is the way of learning. Indeed, through reading it is possible to learn about the world and its functions. Yet in reading what you have written, I have felt the closest to you in 3 weeks. Whilst I have always believed in you, its is from reading that I have understood you the most in these 3 weeks. And in reading, the clarity I have found continues to show me things that have always been - yet I have been to emotionally dependent to see.

I cant fault you. There are times when you see right through me. The times when I say things just to cover up the hurt and the baggage I carry. You see it all. And for that I am grateful. As you write how you feel, I pour my heart into what I write. Whilst it may never be clear what I mean when I write nor when I speak - yet know that it comes from the heart and that you along with others close to my heart will always play a role. I hope that you don't doubt those times that I opened myself to you. I hope you don't doubt the closeness I have expressed to feel for you. Each of these has been spoken not out of compulsion nor adrenaline, but have been contemplated through sleepless nights and come from no where short of the heart. But to say that you are wrong would be unjustified of me. Comments have been made that are neither throughly explored to extent that it has the fully backing of my heart. Just know that those words expressed to you, every word, every syllable, every letter has been contemplated and comes from within.

Neither can I deny my emotional dependence. It is something that is both a curse and gift. It allows me to divulge my emotions to those I trust. Yet it can also be the means to which I push those close to me away. By no means I have I learnt to control it. Rather its learning to be dependent on other things - such as you and those close to me.

The wall that separates us,
The echo of hollowed bricks,
The air drifting between us,
To know that your there,
the strange comfort,
The eerie despair,
knowing that you could be gone,
before I was there,

And so ,
half the night I waste in sighs,
half in dreams,
I sorrow,
for the hand, the smile, the eyes
for the meeting of tomorrow.

As the door swings back and forwards,
I peer,
not into darkness,
rather happiness and light,
One hand tracing the contours of the door,
the other extracting the warmth of the handle,
I breathe,
for it is time to explore the room beyond,
I breathe,
the meeting of tomorrow has come,
I breathe,
today I step forward once again.

-Pe3Jay