Choices

Choices.

In life, everyone has to make choices. Tall short fat small ugly annoying- yes, we all make choices. 

When I was younger, there was always someone more mature, be it my mom or my dad to help me make this "choice" or "decision". I never had anything to worry about. I just trusted in whatever choice they made for me to be right. 

And I lived like a Queen. A Queen with her lovely castle where all she did was daydream and had no worries whatsoever. 

However, as our elders tell us, when we become older, we have to learn to make these choices ourselves. It may be wrong, it may be right; but we make these rational choices to improve our lives, and we should therefore accept the choices we make without regrets. I have finally reached the stage in my life where I have to make a choice:

To keep, or to let go?

This is one question which has been replaying itself in my head all night. How do you know when the pain is worth staying with the thing you love? How do you even know if the thing feels the same way you do? How do you know if this- How do you know if that-

People have always said, 'When you love something, let it go, and it comes back to you, it is yours forever'.

Choices.

One word- yet so much thought put into it;

One word- yet so much pain is made out of it;

One word- yet so much effort is put through it;

I have made my choice, and will go on without regrets. I hope you all will too.

QueenA*

Inadequacy

Inadequacy.

Its the one word that rings through my head. I don't know what is more deafening the constant word of Inadequacy or the silence that follows it.

Its like a bad smell that I can't wash off. No matter how many times you shower, the smell lingers. Whether its the constant distaste of one's self or the actual constant smell, its a constant reminder of the inadequacy - as if the thoughts were not enough.

I don't know whats worse - the lack of logic in my head or the utter realisation of the I word. Its funny who a single person, that you haven't known for long can invoke such a feeling. But then again, the bond that I felt went beyond the weeks that we have known. It was something that cannot be described in words alone. That is to say there isn't enough daylight in a day, nor is their enough night in a night to express how important they are to me.

In reference to my earlier posts - maybe, it one of those situations that I must let them go, in order to care for them. Its something I don't want to do, but in the end, I do care enough for this individual to see them happy. Its all that matters for me.

Emotions they have been plaguing me lately. And thankyou to that person that has been my sole light. To me your like the little smiley face night light that I had when I was young. You kept the shadows of my emotions at bay. The things that you have done for me this night along go beyond the mere words of thankyou.

Short post - nothing of great importance - simply needed to rant.
Thankyou I say to those that read and hear my voice.

PJ ><"

The Sketching of Paintings

It starts of with a white canvas - as white as the snow and as clear as water. In the space of a blink, the white is contrasted with speckles of colour, the once deserted clarity is gracefully broken with vivid disconnections. And so it begins, the acquaintances have been made, and the image is beginning to form.

As time progresses, so to does the picture take form and shape. The speckles of colour, lose their disconnection, becoming much more expansive. It is no longer the white that is broken by the colour, but the colour broken by white. The clarity may be dispensed of, but it is replaced by something much more mysterious yet much more inviting none the less. And further the picture deepens.

The picture begins to take shape, the hues and the tones changing the emotions within the picture. It is far from the white canvas that once stood, displaying a variety of brush strokes and colour. Behind each which lies a meaning, a thought, a love. The picture nears it completion, yet in place of the clarity that once stood, there is a sea of emotion, a horde of thought and above all else a fountain of love.

The final accents are placed in the picture, bringing to life not only the images that stand, but defining each and every thought, emotion and meaning within the picture. The picture is complete. It is no longer a blank canvas of endless clarity, rather it is an image that carries with it the thoughts of one, the emotions of many and the love of everyone.

So what relevance is this? To be honest I don't know exactly myself. Its a thought that I stumbled upon when thinking of my friends. I suppose the painting of a picture is like the developing of a friendship. It starts of blank, and as they get to know each other the picture slowly and surely paints itself. The tones and hues represent the form that relationship is taking, with each tones altering the face of the relationship. The final accents, represent that which draws the people together - the bond, the unity, the companionship.

Image an art gallery, and a single hall of the best, most thought provoking, most loved and most beautiful pictures. That is what a one's heart can be liken too. Each picture representing the closest and most loved friends and family in one's life. I find myself regularly staring at the newest picture being hung in the gallery. The process of painting this picture was neither long nor scary. In a glimpse of an eye the picture was painted and hung before a single bated breathe could be drawn. Having said this, the picture is as beautiful and as loved as any other picture in the gallery. The love isn't for the picture, rather for what it represents - the beginning of something new, something that has already found its was into my heart. Despite the short time, I find myself unable to comprehend ever taking down the painting or even replacing it. It seems, my heart has accepted it for eternity, a thought that is amazingly comforting.

As this blog is posted, could it be that another picture is being painted. Alas the canvas is waiting and the brush and palette sitting patiently, waiting for the right encounter from them to dance across the clarity of white.

To Fight or To Lay Low

Here is a thought that occurred to me on the way to Uni... it was kindly induced by the song 내 머리가 나빠서 by SS501. For those of you that don't know its the Ji Hoo song from BBF. [ snaps to BBF and fans <3] The literal translation for the song is "Because I am stupid". So the song is pretty much centered around Ji Hoo's love for Jan Di. The ending goes something like
니가 너무 생각나는 날엔
In those days when all I think about is you
가슴 시리고 슬픈 날에는

Those days when my heart is cold and sad
니가 보고싶다 입가에 맴돌아
My mouth wordlessly repeats “I want to see you”
혼자 다시 또 cry for you
And all alone I cry for you again
혼자 다시 또 missing for you
And all alone I’m missing you

And so it begs the question is it stupid of Ji Hoo?

Take his situation. 2people that he unduly cares about - one his best friend which he has grown to love like a brother, the other is the one his heart yearns for.

Would one rather keep fighting for the one he yearns for - and attempt to break down the walls, or does one realise the happiness before him?

There are strong arguments on either side
There are those that say that when a person has the ability to turn a half empty glass into half full, your darkest corner into the brightest room, to turn the coldest winter's night breeze into a refreshing breathe, to change a sleepless night into a night of wakeful thoughts, then they are truly worth fighting for.

But then there are those that say, if she is already happy is that not enough for one's self?

Myself? Well I tend to believe that sometimes to show someone that you them and care you have to let them go. If one truly loves the one he yearns for, then nothing would be more satisfying then seeing them happy and content. Even if the happiness is found in the arms of the best friend, the pain that ones suffers is also worth the happiness in her face.

The idea that letting in some cases letting them go is the only way to show them you care is more vast in its application than that of love. The same principle can be applied to parents and child. There will come a time when parents will learn to let their child go and develop as human beings on their own. This is not to say that parents don't love their child before hand, it simply means that at that stage to love them is to let them experience the world for themselves.

Take the example of a child. He is always told by his parents that chilli is 'hot' and 'spicy'. They do this out of love for him. And yes, naturally the child will avoid chilli, because he knows that they are 'hot'. But at some stage the parents will have to let him attempt the 'hotness', not for pain, but to understand and truly know what his parents meant by 'hot'. Simply put whilst a child may be told a chilli is hot, they will never understand the extent to which it means unless they try it themselves.

And so this brings me to the end of my rant today...
HORRAH equity exam in a couple of hours ><
GG my life.

Till next time
PJ out ><

Solitude

It is inevitable that at some stage in all our lives that the loneliness creeps into our lives. Surrounded by a see of faces one can still feel alone. Surrounded by a sea of bodies, none can give you the warmth needed. Surrounded by a symphony of voices, yet none sing true to resonate the soul.

Below are the lyrics to the song Bu Hui Ai by Fahrenheit:

只剩下冰冷空气陪我一整晚
zhi sheng xia bing leng kong qi pei wo yi zheng wan
The only remainder is the icy cold air that is with me all night
寂寞却多到塞车根本无法动弹
ji mo que duo dao sai che gen ben wu fa dong dan yeah~
Loneliness like a traffic jam, makes it impossible to move
一翻身我在半夜突然就醒来
yi fan shen wo zai ban ye tu ran jiu xing lai
I turn over, and suddenly I am awake at midnight
梦里你的唇柔软
meng li ni de chun rou ruan
Yet my lingering dreams, remind me of your soft lips

And yes they can't sing, and yes they are only famous cause of their good looks. But one cannot deny the lyrics and their meaning.

And so one ponders the ability of a person to have such an effect. The ability for one person to amplify the winter's air. The ability of one person, to in still motionless. The ability of one person, to forever change the night into a slumberless night of sighs....

Despite all this, this is rather a pessimistic outlook. Once upon a time, this would have been the outlook for me... yet one often forgets that being so distracted in the downfalls of life they forget to view the progression they have made.

Whilst the ability of a person can and is to instill such pains into a life, it is also has the ability to become the friendly face in the see, the body that shields the cold, the voice that sing true to the soul.

And so the question remains, will the hurt and pain be worth the happiness and joy? Whilst the answer is subjective to the views of the individual, one can ask what happiness and joy isn't worth the pain and hurt? What amount of pain and hurt are you willing to suffer for one moment with the people most important to you?

Is it this level of pain and hurt willing to suffer an indication of the level of importance to you? Whilst it is argumentative, it hardly seems conclusive. It becomes a subjective level to the individual. As for me, those close to me will understand that to me my inner circle is the world, and a single moment with any one of them is worth everything that I can suffer.

Pe3Jay

Sigh at Life

Sometimes things in life don't always go as planned. Something might happen, and unexpectedly throwing out the plans that one has. Most of the time it is easily fixed, with simple re arranging of the plans. Other times its not so simple. In any event, one can choose to takes these changes in plan negatively and allow it to ruin their lives, or alternatively they can draw the positives from it and allow people to grow as humanity. I am not one to preach about destiny and fate of the like, but sometimes one just has to see the positives that have surfaced due to the negative happenings of the universe^^

As with all things in life, a little courage goes a long way in making life what you want it to be. Whilst not everything requires courage, the most desired things in life require a it. The asking of a date, the business venture, the contradiction of known law, the rebuttal of science and physics, all require courage. And in turn each has its rewards, whilst not apparent at first. It was once said that
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the acknowledgment that something is more important that fear itself"

And yes the quote is from a movie, and a girly one at that. But none the less it highlights the how the important things in our lives draws out the best in us.

=]

Trolls

Ok so I have decided to blog again ....
Its been a while and I hope starting afresh will encourage me to keep it as updated as possible. So what is it that has got me blogging again? Amongst other things, including blogs of friends, an incident last night.

So here I begin my rant ><
I F*****N HATE TROLLS Yes thats right trolls. We all have them in our lives. They come in a variety of colours and styles but thre is no doubting the troll in people's lives. So why are these trolls so hated? Some people say that its because they are useless, others because they are ugly and some because they are down right annoying. I like to think that they are the epiphany of hatred and a combination of these and other such nasty things. Regardless of the colour or style of troll, there is no denying how downright ugly they are. Neither is there an escape from their lack of common sense and interpersonal skills. Alas they are a troll.
Take the example of Jah'rakal. For those that don't know who this is, it is the troll character from dota. First impression ? He is downright ugly. Yes that black thing on its face, isn't a dust mark nor is it a mole.. it is his face. And thus one can see how hideous trolls are.

Secondly, in its little description it clearly states that trolls were considered primitive and unreliable. Don't know about you guys but in my books they are still primitive and lack the basic human interaction skills.

Thirdly, one of the trolls attack is blind. Yes thats right it has the ability to render its opponents blind. That is to prove the lack of appealing looks, as well to signify people's lack of interest to pay any attention to such creatures.

Lastly, the troll has an ultimate known as Rampage. Yes thats right the troll goes into a feral rampage. I think that speaks for itself.

Ok, I know I said lastly but I aint done complaining.

It is common knowledge that troll is luck dependant - ie irl this means that success on their behalf is only accomplished by luck ><. In addition to this trolls are heavily dependant on farming - ok so for those of you who don't play dota this pretty much means that unless you have a good team backing you up at the start of the game and mid game, so you can go earn some extra cash to buy gd items, then your pretty much useless. Similarly, irl trolls simply are a result of the work that other people put in. Sound familiar? Well, there is bound to be a troll in all our lives. And indeed there appears to be one lurky in the forums as of late ><><>