Long time no blog...
Alot has happened since I last blog. Some important and others not so. None the less they have occurred and here I stand. So what has happened since I last blog?
- My 姑母, 姑夫 and cousins moved back from Canada. They had something like 24 luggages. Impressive right >< In any event its good to have them back ^^ In the 5 years I haven't seen them, they managed to produce another son - Nathan or Xing [姓]. Amazingly, this makes my grandparents extremely happy. Why? Because they have another grandchild. Possibly, but more so that apparently we have good genes. Why? Well out of a 15 grandchildren - 12 are boys and only 3 are girls. Thats a good 80% strike rate according to my grandparents. They are ecstatic.
- Study week. What fun is business school. Lots of snacks, and lots of study. In between the regular movement between rooms, I would say significant amounts of work was done.
-Exams. Gay. It seems to be a common thought about this semesters exams. Even the time tables were screwed =/ Fourth year units + closed book law exam + 1 hour law exam + daniella = epic failz. On a side note daniella's car was overturned after the civl2110 exam. GG
- Holidays. Its gd that they are finally here. Its good just to be able to sit around and not have any thing to do AND not feel guilty about not doing anything.
Despite all the plans I had made to do over the holidays few have been done ><>< And pretty much any other attempt has resulted in disappointment. In normal circumstances this would have frustrated me to some point leading to an emo blog about how gay life is. But it takes a little bit of understanding and a little bit of effort to change the way one looks at things.
On the brighter side of things - I was lucky enough to go shopping with my cousin. Spent some money and caught up. It was quite the enjoyable. It has become apparent however that my earning capacity is a long way short of sustaining my spending patterns =/
Transformers comes out tomorrow. I am quite excited. Megan Fox has long replaced angelina jolie - she became a bit strange when she got with brad - and I am looking forward to see her acting prowess. Whilst it does appear that I will be watching it alone tomorrow, it is of no deterrence^^
Thats pretty much it - boring post I know. I will work back into my usual style of posting when I get back into the groove of it ^^
-Pe3Jay
P.S Esplande bus port to my house is actually pretty far. In a stroke of genius i decided to walk home from work today. It was substantially longer than I had anticipated =/
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
=]
The best thing about today ...
It wasn't the bubble tea
Nor was it the sunny weather
Neither was it the BMT
Rather it was your smile,
Not just a smile, but a smile directed to me
Short post I know
But you know - I too am beginning to love life <3
-Pe3Jay
It wasn't the bubble tea
Nor was it the sunny weather
Neither was it the BMT
Rather it was your smile,
Not just a smile, but a smile directed to me
Short post I know
But you know - I too am beginning to love life <3
-Pe3Jay
Monday, May 11, 2009
Retribution
Walking down the paths of life, one is never alone. The path is trodden with foot prints and marks foreign to one's self. These marks belong to those that share your path. And indeed some will find a path of their own to partake on, and others will join. And whilst you may leave this path, others will tread the path that you once walked. Never, will others fill the prints that you left on the path or in my heart. The space that is left beside me - should it happen - will never and cannot ever be replaced nor filled by another. It is a space that without you, will be left void - for you were the only one that truly filled it. Others will try and whilst can momentarily fill the space, it is a matter of moments before they fall short of you. Despite all this, it is not a concern. Above all else, you never left. The fog in my mind that blunted my senses caused me to lose you - not in life, but in my mind. Yet with clarity a hand once more, the fog has risen, and your there like you were before.
It scares me. Yet it comforts me. To know that someone understands me so well. That someone took the time out to understand me so well. All the barriers I have set up and all the logic in my head, tells me that through the short period of time no one can understand someone else so well. Contrary to the baggage I carry and the my burdened heart - I dare to believe. To believe in you and to believe in what we share.
Everytime, I so much as think of you, guilt riddles my body and mind. You understand me, comprehend me far beyond even myself can come to understand myself. And yet in all this time, I preach the connection we have, I hold it dear to my heart, yet I have only begun to understand the person I came to see as a brother. Shrouded in little more than my own fog and mist, I admit I failed to understand you to the degree you have me. But none the less, I do believe I understand you, however little it is, its an understanding none the less. I have never failed to notice you. At times it may seem like it, but never were the thoughts of you gone from my mind. I have said it to you before and I say it again - no matter how many complications there could have been, is irregardless, as I have learned to appreciate the bad as much as the good.
They say that literature is the way of learning. Indeed, through reading it is possible to learn about the world and its functions. Yet in reading what you have written, I have felt the closest to you in 3 weeks. Whilst I have always believed in you, its is from reading that I have understood you the most in these 3 weeks. And in reading, the clarity I have found continues to show me things that have always been - yet I have been to emotionally dependent to see.
I cant fault you. There are times when you see right through me. The times when I say things just to cover up the hurt and the baggage I carry. You see it all. And for that I am grateful. As you write how you feel, I pour my heart into what I write. Whilst it may never be clear what I mean when I write nor when I speak - yet know that it comes from the heart and that you along with others close to my heart will always play a role. I hope that you don't doubt those times that I opened myself to you. I hope you don't doubt the closeness I have expressed to feel for you. Each of these has been spoken not out of compulsion nor adrenaline, but have been contemplated through sleepless nights and come from no where short of the heart. But to say that you are wrong would be unjustified of me. Comments have been made that are neither throughly explored to extent that it has the fully backing of my heart. Just know that those words expressed to you, every word, every syllable, every letter has been contemplated and comes from within.
Neither can I deny my emotional dependence. It is something that is both a curse and gift. It allows me to divulge my emotions to those I trust. Yet it can also be the means to which I push those close to me away. By no means I have I learnt to control it. Rather its learning to be dependent on other things - such as you and those close to me.
It scares me. Yet it comforts me. To know that someone understands me so well. That someone took the time out to understand me so well. All the barriers I have set up and all the logic in my head, tells me that through the short period of time no one can understand someone else so well. Contrary to the baggage I carry and the my burdened heart - I dare to believe. To believe in you and to believe in what we share.
Everytime, I so much as think of you, guilt riddles my body and mind. You understand me, comprehend me far beyond even myself can come to understand myself. And yet in all this time, I preach the connection we have, I hold it dear to my heart, yet I have only begun to understand the person I came to see as a brother. Shrouded in little more than my own fog and mist, I admit I failed to understand you to the degree you have me. But none the less, I do believe I understand you, however little it is, its an understanding none the less. I have never failed to notice you. At times it may seem like it, but never were the thoughts of you gone from my mind. I have said it to you before and I say it again - no matter how many complications there could have been, is irregardless, as I have learned to appreciate the bad as much as the good.
They say that literature is the way of learning. Indeed, through reading it is possible to learn about the world and its functions. Yet in reading what you have written, I have felt the closest to you in 3 weeks. Whilst I have always believed in you, its is from reading that I have understood you the most in these 3 weeks. And in reading, the clarity I have found continues to show me things that have always been - yet I have been to emotionally dependent to see.
I cant fault you. There are times when you see right through me. The times when I say things just to cover up the hurt and the baggage I carry. You see it all. And for that I am grateful. As you write how you feel, I pour my heart into what I write. Whilst it may never be clear what I mean when I write nor when I speak - yet know that it comes from the heart and that you along with others close to my heart will always play a role. I hope that you don't doubt those times that I opened myself to you. I hope you don't doubt the closeness I have expressed to feel for you. Each of these has been spoken not out of compulsion nor adrenaline, but have been contemplated through sleepless nights and come from no where short of the heart. But to say that you are wrong would be unjustified of me. Comments have been made that are neither throughly explored to extent that it has the fully backing of my heart. Just know that those words expressed to you, every word, every syllable, every letter has been contemplated and comes from within.
Neither can I deny my emotional dependence. It is something that is both a curse and gift. It allows me to divulge my emotions to those I trust. Yet it can also be the means to which I push those close to me away. By no means I have I learnt to control it. Rather its learning to be dependent on other things - such as you and those close to me.
The wall that separates us,
The echo of hollowed bricks,
The air drifting between us,
To know that your there,
the strange comfort,
The eerie despair,
knowing that you could be gone,
before I was there,
And so ,
half the night I waste in sighs,
half in dreams,
I sorrow,
for the hand, the smile, the eyes
for the meeting of tomorrow.
As the door swings back and forwards,
I peer,
not into darkness,
rather happiness and light,
One hand tracing the contours of the door,
the other extracting the warmth of the handle,
I breathe,
for it is time to explore the room beyond,
I breathe,
the meeting of tomorrow has come,
I breathe,
today I step forward once again.
The echo of hollowed bricks,
The air drifting between us,
To know that your there,
the strange comfort,
The eerie despair,
knowing that you could be gone,
before I was there,
And so ,
half the night I waste in sighs,
half in dreams,
I sorrow,
for the hand, the smile, the eyes
for the meeting of tomorrow.
As the door swings back and forwards,
I peer,
not into darkness,
rather happiness and light,
One hand tracing the contours of the door,
the other extracting the warmth of the handle,
I breathe,
for it is time to explore the room beyond,
I breathe,
the meeting of tomorrow has come,
I breathe,
today I step forward once again.
-Pe3Jay
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Storm
A storm brewed last night. You know the usual stuff - heavy winds, torrential rain, thunder clapping. This time however, it was rather close to home, close to my heart to be precise. Had this storm hit a year ago, or even a month ago the resulting damage would have been very different. Then it would have been followed by sleepless nights, emo thoughts and self harm. This time round, the storm was followed by a sleepless night. Sleepless yes, emo no. And here in lies the difference. The aftermath of the storm saw the realisation of clarity. Clarity - many of you would have experienced the clarity perceived by me via the txt messages at such an odd hour - something that I have yet, until this day,to experience. Its like when a storm hits a city, ravaging all the newly built buildings and establishments, stripping away all that is new and unnatural. Once the storm has moved on or subsided, all that remains in the rubble and bare minimum. But amongst that bare minimum, is something that has been hidden and forgotten behind the grey of the buildings and the changes due to establishment. It soon becomes clear that the thing is so beautiful so treasured that it required something similar to a storm to uncover. And so here I stand, having endured the storm, stripped of all that is recent and new, being left behind with a sense of clarity and perception that is amazingly comforting.
Many of you would be proclaiming that the so called storm that I experienced is not so much as a storm but a light sprinkling of rain. The storm did not brew according to the situation at hand or due to those close to me. Rather the storm was a result of weeks of misguided emotion and fear, within myself. To this extent, many of you would be left clueless to the extent nor the severity of the storm that brewed within this heart of mine.
Others would say that such a storm within one's self is completely unnecessary. For me, it was never a question of necessity, rather a question of time. It just so happens, that the buildings and the establishments can longer hide the what was once there. And whilst it could be argue that there is never a good time for a storm, there has never been a better time than to accept the aftermath of the storm.
Clarity - the epiphany, the resolve, the ramifications. And so what to does this mean? To be honest, I am neither certain nor clear on the extent to which this will impact my life. Having said this, the light that has been spread is definite and the understanding of what needs to be done has never been so prominent.
People are always saying don't get too caught up in the future nor the past - or you run the risk of overlooking whats in front of you right now. Here and now, I realise that I am every bit as guilty of doing this as saygoe is at not exercising [=P]. I was so caught up in trying to find grounds to which a friendship existed that I overlooked the most important thing of all. Friendship. It has always been there, supporting and existing. Yet I was so engulfed in the logistics that I overlooked it. There are some things in life that, regardless of time and the development in technology, that logic will be unable to explain. Like the connection we share and the friendship that exists - logic becomes as prevalent as dementia to a goldfish. The clarity shows me not how to logically explain us nor the friendship - but shows the existence of it and the understanding within me.
The eyes no longer look but see,
The ears no longer hear but listen,
The mouth no longer talks but speaks,
The nose no longer sniffs but smells,
The hands no longer touch but feel.
This is clarity. This is understanding. This is moving forwards.
And so I say this...
I will wait.
For that day.
No, I will not wait for the day that everything is ok. To that end - waiting will become a timeless and endless activity. I will wait for the day that speech flows once more. And then, the black and white you have shown me, the clarity that I have found will become evident once more.
- Pe3Jay
Many of you would be proclaiming that the so called storm that I experienced is not so much as a storm but a light sprinkling of rain. The storm did not brew according to the situation at hand or due to those close to me. Rather the storm was a result of weeks of misguided emotion and fear, within myself. To this extent, many of you would be left clueless to the extent nor the severity of the storm that brewed within this heart of mine.
Others would say that such a storm within one's self is completely unnecessary. For me, it was never a question of necessity, rather a question of time. It just so happens, that the buildings and the establishments can longer hide the what was once there. And whilst it could be argue that there is never a good time for a storm, there has never been a better time than to accept the aftermath of the storm.
Clarity - the epiphany, the resolve, the ramifications. And so what to does this mean? To be honest, I am neither certain nor clear on the extent to which this will impact my life. Having said this, the light that has been spread is definite and the understanding of what needs to be done has never been so prominent.
People are always saying don't get too caught up in the future nor the past - or you run the risk of overlooking whats in front of you right now. Here and now, I realise that I am every bit as guilty of doing this as saygoe is at not exercising [=P]. I was so caught up in trying to find grounds to which a friendship existed that I overlooked the most important thing of all. Friendship. It has always been there, supporting and existing. Yet I was so engulfed in the logistics that I overlooked it. There are some things in life that, regardless of time and the development in technology, that logic will be unable to explain. Like the connection we share and the friendship that exists - logic becomes as prevalent as dementia to a goldfish. The clarity shows me not how to logically explain us nor the friendship - but shows the existence of it and the understanding within me.
The eyes no longer look but see,
The ears no longer hear but listen,
The mouth no longer talks but speaks,
The nose no longer sniffs but smells,
The hands no longer touch but feel.
This is clarity. This is understanding. This is moving forwards.
And so I say this...
I will wait.
For that day.
No, I will not wait for the day that everything is ok. To that end - waiting will become a timeless and endless activity. I will wait for the day that speech flows once more. And then, the black and white you have shown me, the clarity that I have found will become evident once more.
- Pe3Jay
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Grain of Rice
Imagine a cup of rice. Yes thats right a cup of rice. Now imagine that its full. Not simply full but out to overfull, full. Say that the cup was one grain of rice from over flowing and splurging out onto everything. Now imagine two of those, one on each end of a scale. One grain of rice - one grain that can tip the scales in either direction. A sole grain of rice, whilst small, has never had so much importance in its life.
Its a bit like my life right about now. The glass is almost overflowing with happiness and content. But yet there is a single grain of rice missing. Without this single grain of rice, neither the happiness or the content can be seen to its fullest extent.
There are those of you that proclaim that the the glass is predominantly full and therefore happiness should be evident. However, at this point in time happiness doesn't function in such a "majority rules" manner. Complete happiness and content with one's self can only be achieved when every detail is in line. Every detail, every grain of rice - however small, can tip the scales.
And so many ask what is the grain of rice that is so significant that it can tip the scale from complete happiness to utter despair. Many of you will know for me. Its not something that I can hide from my face. To some people it seems insignificant. For me, sneezing at something like this there is no bigger insult. For me the grain of rice has significance that is beyond most peoples comprehension.
Those that close to me would say that I get to worked up in such an issue. Yet I see the grain of rice slowing falling onto the glass and upsetting the balance of the scales. As the glass proceeds to overflow with rice, the cascading rice hides the descent of the scales into utter despair. This is what i see happening in my mind's eye. Devastating. Yet every second I live, is one second closer to confirming that image.
A single grain of rice
Two outcomes
Endless ramifications
And so here I sit, dreading the outcome as it creeps closer. I don't know what is more unnerving - the silence in my head or the storm that is brewing. Yet amongst all the clutter in my head I cling onto a single thought - if I want it enough then it will be. I want it enough - but whether or not the scales will tip to my favour is yet to be seen.
- Pe3Jay
Its a bit like my life right about now. The glass is almost overflowing with happiness and content. But yet there is a single grain of rice missing. Without this single grain of rice, neither the happiness or the content can be seen to its fullest extent.
There are those of you that proclaim that the the glass is predominantly full and therefore happiness should be evident. However, at this point in time happiness doesn't function in such a "majority rules" manner. Complete happiness and content with one's self can only be achieved when every detail is in line. Every detail, every grain of rice - however small, can tip the scales.
And so many ask what is the grain of rice that is so significant that it can tip the scale from complete happiness to utter despair. Many of you will know for me. Its not something that I can hide from my face. To some people it seems insignificant. For me, sneezing at something like this there is no bigger insult. For me the grain of rice has significance that is beyond most peoples comprehension.
Those that close to me would say that I get to worked up in such an issue. Yet I see the grain of rice slowing falling onto the glass and upsetting the balance of the scales. As the glass proceeds to overflow with rice, the cascading rice hides the descent of the scales into utter despair. This is what i see happening in my mind's eye. Devastating. Yet every second I live, is one second closer to confirming that image.
A single grain of rice
Two outcomes
Endless ramifications
And so here I sit, dreading the outcome as it creeps closer. I don't know what is more unnerving - the silence in my head or the storm that is brewing. Yet amongst all the clutter in my head I cling onto a single thought - if I want it enough then it will be. I want it enough - but whether or not the scales will tip to my favour is yet to be seen.
- Pe3Jay
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Silver Lining
I have been quite hormonal today - emotions have been all over the place. And hence, the triple post since this morn.
And so the saying goes -
To every cloud there is a silver lining.
Indeed, in this last week there has been turmoil and angst, the cloud that lingers over my head. But as of now, the silver lining is becoming clear.
I set out to find myself this weekend, and indeed many people tried to assist me. And to those that tried to help me, I thank you. However, it took forgotten friendship, to guide me to find myself.
Forgotten may not be the write word to describe it. Over time the friendship had change in both characteristic and manner. It was never forgotten, just not as instantaneously recognised. It is however, this fact that allowed me to find myself. Though time and some distance has grown between us, the reassurance that was given has guided me to find myself today.
I don't think that the friend realises how much he has given me in that small conversation. But I am forever in his debt. To thank him is simply not enough.
And although, right now I have turmoils and angst within me, I have discovered something. Something that I hope will aid me in rediscovering the friendship that I single handedly destroyed. I have found myself. And whilst it is just the beginning, its a different story from here on in.
Yesterday, my backward step had been taken. Today, I begin to move forward.
-Pe3Jay
And so the saying goes -
To every cloud there is a silver lining.
Indeed, in this last week there has been turmoil and angst, the cloud that lingers over my head. But as of now, the silver lining is becoming clear.
I set out to find myself this weekend, and indeed many people tried to assist me. And to those that tried to help me, I thank you. However, it took forgotten friendship, to guide me to find myself.
Forgotten may not be the write word to describe it. Over time the friendship had change in both characteristic and manner. It was never forgotten, just not as instantaneously recognised. It is however, this fact that allowed me to find myself. Though time and some distance has grown between us, the reassurance that was given has guided me to find myself today.
I don't think that the friend realises how much he has given me in that small conversation. But I am forever in his debt. To thank him is simply not enough.
And although, right now I have turmoils and angst within me, I have discovered something. Something that I hope will aid me in rediscovering the friendship that I single handedly destroyed. I have found myself. And whilst it is just the beginning, its a different story from here on in.
Yesterday, my backward step had been taken. Today, I begin to move forward.
-Pe3Jay
=.=
輸贏是毫無意義的，
Winning or losing is meaningless,
最後，只有你需要的人是自己打敗
In the end the only person you need to defeat is yourself
Winning or losing is meaningless,
最後，只有你需要的人是自己打敗
In the end the only person you need to defeat is yourself
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